One man horror movie cleanup crew/part-time underwear model, Taem Jones.
The warmth of a friend’s vomit brings joy to our hearts, sunlight to our souls, bile to our crotches, and pleasure to all of life.
This is another fine piece by Alexander Duke (wizardskull.com), inspired by one of the most horrific prank videos in the history of mankind and one of our proudest moments here at A New Low, Yetti vs Taem.
Shirts are just $22 and are available in men’s and women’s sizes with a wide array of color choices. Printed on American Apparel Fine Jersey T-shirts, made with 100% fine jersey cotton, combed for softness and comfort.
Photos by Ryan Gee
The day A N’ L Lies was released (available here for an absolutely JUICY eight dollars and fifty cents), John Holden, Taem Jones and I migrated to Chattanooga, Tennessee to promote the DVD at Con Nooga 2010, pass the Bella Morte music video torch to Troma president, Lloyd Kaufman and participate in said music video, Bella Morte’s In the Dirt.
Now, first and foremost, I’d like to address why I wasn’t asked to direct Bella Morte’s new video. Afterall, I helmed the last three (zombie prom masterpiece, Earth Angel; dizzying blue hurricane of cinematic triumph, On The Edge; and the one with feathers, Find Forever Gone)…naturally, their fans were chanting my name in harmonic unison, awaiting the fourth coming of—what was it they were calling me…the “music video messiah” or something to that effect. So, what happened?
As you well know, I’m taking Hollywood by storm. I’m a very big deal. Essentially, I was asking 6 figures to do the new video…but Cock-Block Kaufman agreed to do it for a #6 at Taco Bell. See, it’s problematic when filmmakers are more involved with “art” and less concerned with money. So now, my name doesn’t appear in lights and my bank account suffers…it’s like, go get a paintbrush or something, artfag.
Lloyd and his Troma imprint were a very important part of my upbringing. Five minutes into my young and tender first viewing of the Toxic Avenger, my father jabbed his gurthy, vein rippled viking thumb hard into the eject button on our VCR and set sail for an angry return to Little Joe’s Video Rental. My parents thought it was a little too vulgar. They had no idea their attempts to shelter me from folks like Toxie would only fuel my growing curiosity of the obscene; force-feeding my imagination with more swear words, boogers, poop and toxic waste than you could find in all of Tromaville; ultimately, stitching a lifelong fascination with all things gross, shocking and heinous within the fabric of my soul. Hopping out of the director’s chair for Lloyd was a real honor…and knowing that I’d farted in it moments before he called “move your feet, lose your feet” was an added bonus.
So, without further ado, here’s Lloyd Kaufman’s latest work, STARRING John Holden, Taem Jones, myself, Toxie…and some unnecessary secretary (?) who makes the same face in every scene she’s in. Enjoy!
In mid February, Taem, J.Ho and I went down to ConNooga in Chattanooga, Tennessee to promote A N’ L Lies (available here for only $8.50!) and appear as extras in Lloyd Kaufman‘s Bella Morte music video. After the shoot, Jeremy Atkins of Indie MediaCast sat us down to discuss the new DVD, Bella Morte and ConNooga 2010.
…and I must say, the three of us give an extremely professional interview.
A New Low Films- These guys ARE low
Sunday, February 21, 2010
IMC had the pleasure, or displeasure depending on how you feel about depravity. A New Low is an independent film company based out of NY. Lies (ANL demo dvd) apparently toppled even Lloyd Kaufman’s iron gut.
These guys are sick, vile and disgusting, and also some of the best party copilots one could have at a convention.
Keep a look out for A NEW LOW’s brand of horror cinema and buy every NEW LOW piece of merchandise you see. Why?! So that we can keep them off the street and most likely off of your daughter.
Check out Indie MediaCast or stream the interview here:
“This is why I don’t go out to the bars too often” or “This is why I should go out to the bars more often”
Wednesday night, on our way into the bar, Holden, Taem and I were called “the Jonas brothers” by a large girl in a small skirt.
Two hours later…
Taem sold his urine to some fella stressing out over a piss test he had to give for work in the morning, so our drinks were all paid for. The pee sample was collected and delivered in a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon…and with PBR being our beverage of choice for the evening (on account of the elegant blue ribbon), there’s really no telling whether or not one of us accidentally chugged down the wrong liquid at some point. Not that there’s any difference. I just wanted to point out that we may have drank entirely for free.
As we exited the bar, Miss Piggy makes another Jonas Bros comment, this time to an inebriated version of the trio who politely ignored her on the way in—moments into our retaliation, she is verbally assassinated.
Coming to her rescue was her wigger boyfriend, who spit in Taem’s face. Taem returned the gesture by decking him right in his chubby-muff chewin’ lips. Taem knocked the taste of swollen, thoroughly dimpled labia out of his mouth, a motion this white-boy-with-dreams-of-black-pigmentation didn’t take too kindly…triggering him to tackle Taem onto the pavement.
After the two of them rolled around, aggressively hugging in the street for about a minute, they let go of one another and got up. As they brushed themselves off, continuing to size each other up, a cigarette fell from behind the Caucasian hoodrat’s ear…Holden graciously stepped in, picked it up and smoked it right in front of his fat ass. A gentleman, Holden thanked him as he exhaled that first satisfying puff of smoke.
Optimistic for more of a fight, I encourage Taem to snap into a Slim Jim…however, a faithful Christian, Taem’s more of a “say your prayers and take your vitamins” kinda guy…so he removed his shirt, revealing a pair of 24″ pythons, each freshly dipped in baby oil and ready for round two.
With excitement bubbling inside me, I start heckling the wigger about his cell phone that fell and broke during the scuffle. He picked it up, insisting the phone still worked and, unexpectedly, walked away. He retreated quietly, taking his friend and the large girl who initiated this whole mess with him…a relentless tsunami of insults carrying them off into the night.
We couldn’t drive home because we were all still a bit tipsy and the cops were chilling in our parking lot, patiently awaiting a D.W.I. or two…so Taem, still shirtless, approached the officer, told him he was jumped, that his wallet was stolen and gave a brilliant description of the same guy he’d just humiliated in the fight. As soon as the cops cleared out in search of the perpetrator, we ran to our vehicle giggling and drove off all drunk.
Jonas Brothers, for the win!
Thanks to advancements in NASA technologies, a distant radio signal from Star System KBX-489′s most coveted podcast has again been discovered and decrypted by scientists into a frequency detectable by human ears!
Each episode can be streamed or downloaded below. Look for the entire series (and perhaps a new episode or two) back on iTunes in the near future.
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #1
Recorded on January 21, 2007.
ETC, Seth McPizza and Rob Lavarnway discuss atomic and molecular physics whilst enjoying some early pre-war ragtime blues.
Download Episode #1 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #2
Recorded on January 24, 2007.
London McGrane and Taem Jones join ETC and Seth McPizza in a heated debate over the the growing risks of nuclear terrorism, then lighten the mood with some Dixieland jazz.
Download Episode #2 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #3 [Valentine's Day]
Recorded on February 5, 2007.
Eric Thomas probes deep into the paradoxes of religious belief, infuriating Christian fundamentalist, Taem Jones. As always, The Shamrockers, Rob Lavarnway and Seth McPizza, balance the tension with the joyous sounds of their dueling ukeleles.
Download Episode #3 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #4 [Deth to Seth]
Recorded on February 12, 2007.
American astronomer, John Holden, defends Pluto as the Solar System’s ninth planet, while Eric Thomas Craven, Taem Jones and Rob Lavarnway (key representatives of the International Astronomical Union) stand by its newly appointed status as a “dwarf planet”. Can they overcome their differences in time to enjoy a live performance by Earth’s famous Harlem Gospel Choir??
Download Episode #4 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #5 [New York City]
Recorded on February 17, 2007.
Taem Jones, Eric Thomas Craven and London McGrane venture deep into the bowels of a midtown Manhattan subway station to research a secret underground society of homeless people. When the three of them become lost in the sunless labyrinth, only the subterranean grooves of a panhandling saxophone player can guide them back to the surface.
Download Episode #5 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #6
Recorded on February 27, 2007.
Shaolin masters, Eric Thomas Craven and Taem Jones, have been taken hostage. When two mild mannered firemen, London McGrane and Rob Lavarnway, cross enemy lines to rescue them, they encounter a 50 foot ogre with a taste for pizza and a boner for books. Moments before the three of them engage in battle, Taem and Eric Thomas jump out from behind a tree and yell “SURPRISE!”…immediately charming their former adversary. Later that day, they went on to form the award winning Scandinavian black metal 5 piece, KANKERSORE.
Download Episode #6 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #7
Recorded on March 3, 2007.
Eric Thomas Craven, Taem Jones, London McGrane, Seth McPizza and Rob Lavarnway take a much needed break from protesting a local abortion clinic and physically assaulting it’s patients–to tour neighboring towns as an all black rhythm and blues trio.
Download Episode #7 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #8 [Charlottesville, VA p.1]
Recorded on March 12, 2007.
When Wil “Liam” Smith is cut from John Johnson’s micro-budget remake of 2004’s Garden State, Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven console him with an acoustic guitar and a few rousing ballads about Zach Braff’s heavenly dimples of venus.
Download Episode #8 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #9 [Charlottesville, VA p.2]
Recorded on March 12, 2007.
In the gripping finale of this epic two-parter, lone Bella Morte keyboardist, Micah Consylman, saves Eric Thomas Craven and Taem Jones from the crippling AIDS cloud that trashy novelist, Shawn Decker, carelessly emits from his rear-end in their direction following a nasty verbal altercation. Facing a life in prison for attempted murder, Shawn breaks into a one-man monk chant to make peace with god.
Download Episode #9 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #10
Recorded on June 5, 2007.
This week an array of special guests join Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven via satellite, as the debate heats up over Cardinal McPizza downplaying Vatican direction on communion. Robert Lavarnway, a pro-abortion politician, who was refused communion after failure to alter his stance on the issue, also guests on the show in his first interview since the incident. Celestial harp accompaniment provided by classical Ukrainian quintet, WHORE’S BLOOD.
Download Episode #10 (right click, save) or stream it:
The aftermath of Pirate vs Wolfman on Planet X Episode #3:
If you’re not listening to Pirate vs Wolfman by now, do yourself a favor and subscribe to it for free on iTunes, catch up on all the old episodes and anticipate the news ones. What other radio show has mayhem like this:
Make sense of it all by tuning in.
Episode #10 went up this morning, so check your iTunes or find it here.
Animation Theatre is a clip from the new movie, and it’s preceded by a (podcast exclusive) ‘behind-the-scenes’ account of just what it took to get this episode in the hands of the public.