After a near 2 month absence, South Park pinball made it’s triumphant return to the video arcade yesterday. Drew P. Balls, whose former high score was 91 million something something, broke records on his first game back with an astonishing 125,003,850! When questioned by reporters, he had this to say: “when I go too long without pinball, I become a fierce beast”…and then something about “look out Kentucky” which made NO sense, so we won’t mention it here.
Drew is starting a new web page, it’s a small part of a major project that he has been planning for a long time. The new site will have twice as much vulgar language & pictures of poo as this one does! The web address & more details will be posted right here sometime before the summer. Don’t worry, Drew plans to uphold his tradition of updating this piece of shit twice a year.
“What?!? No 1999 year in review??” That’s right you fucking cock suckers, because 1999 was exactly like 1998…I got in a few car accidents, I got fired a few times, I dyed my hair a few different colors, & I shit myself once or twice. If you’re looking for my movie & cd picks of ’99, here ya go:
top movies (no particular order)…
Blair Witch Project
top cd’s (again, in no particular order)…
Blink 182 “Enema Of The State”
A.F.I. “Black Sails In The Sunset”
Short Music For Short People
I updated the upcoming cd’s section, I’ll probably update the news sometime this month & perhaps I’ll scan some more pictures for y’all to jerk off to…you never know, I mean this is the year 2000 & I’m awfully busy with my hoverboard, my aluminum sweatpants, and my robot friends Z-56 & X-90.
…me & Matt standing in line at Picnic Pizza, each waiting for our respective slices…when out of the blue I hark “I never get peperoni here”. “Why not?” questions Matt. “because I’m r…” I was about to say “racist” when I remembered the chick waiting on us was black (that would have been bad) “…really never in the mood for it” I said, slick as a goose. Later, while we sat enjoying our delicious pizza slices, I told Matt of my potential blunder…his comment on the matter? “Good save.”
Drews birthday party was a great success. None of the entertainment showed up & as tradition would have it, one of Drews ex girlfriends single handedly kamikazeed the party in a drunken stupor…but many millions of people showed up to celebrate the most joyous occasion in human history & a lot of them even brought the senile bitch some cool presents.
In other news, Drew finally has a new girlfriend after a year long battle with ugliness that saw him spending evenings indoors trying to master a Rubix Cube. Her name is Ingrid, a foreign exchange student from a small village south-east of the Swiss Alps…that or she’s just a drug addict from the west side of Elmira with a really cool name.
And on one last note, look for Drew on your front porch selling knives, weekdays this summer.
Watch Drew perform all new material including “Eating Nachos”, “Spanking Off”, & “Watching TV”. Tickets are currently available online at www.ticketmaster.com for $35. Dates & locations subject to change.
Monday 4/19/99 @ his living room
Tuesday 4/20/99 @ his living room
Wednesday 4/21/99 @ his living room
Thursday 4/22/99 @ his living room
Friday 4/23/99 @ the mall
Drew received this letter in the mail this week. Apparently he isn’t as “clean” as most of us originally thought he was. I have suspected this for a long time.
I have spent the past 2 days in Toronto…why don’t you Canadians have supermarkets?? Shit, Toronto had about 25 really good record stores, too many beauty shops & approximately 20 titty bars…but NO supermarkets! If you’re hungry you’re forced to buy a bag of Ketchup flavored potato chips at 7 Eleven or get ripped off at a fast food joint named after an American cartoon caracter.
What do you call that fake looking money?? Canadian dollar bills look like the Play Money that I used to carry around in my wallet when I was 8. And using coins for 1 & 2 dollar bills…that’s fucked up, you constantly have a pocket full of big ass coins that you lose everytime you sit down.
And why in Gods green name are your billboards all rounded??
The next time I see a Canuck I’m gonna be real mouthy to the piece of trash.
Threaten me & tell me you hate me here.
The party, hosted by pincushion Nick Boggs, has been confirmed & will be held on the corner of Water & Davis in Elmira this Friday. Drew, credited for “dildo dancing” at Nicks last party is rumored to have “more up his sleeve” for Fridays shindig. Others in attendance will be Pete of The Preschoolers, Wolfman Travis, & Chinese heartthrob Eric Yang.
Months after paying his $110 car accident fine & thinking it was all over with…the Department Of Motor Vehicles suspends Drew’s license! HERE‘s the letter that Drew actually recieved in the mail…if you don’t have time to read it, here’s a quick interpretation of it: “Hi, we are are an outbreak of Herpes, step aside as we milk every last dollar out of your little wallet, if you have a second please let us shovel our tounges in unison through your septic system”. Drew enjoys being taken advantage of.
Prior to the Avail & Suicide Machines show last night, I had to meet Joey (my ride to the show) at his big ol’ house. This note was posted on his door!
Drew (who hasn’t barfed since he was 7 YEARS OLD!) woke up at approx. 3:15 am Friday morning to an awful rumbling in his stomach, he ran to the kitchen for a glass of water. Now, what Drew was totally unaware of is his family has some wierd water system that has a “cleaning mode” in which it goes through in the middle of the night, the water is unsafe & unusable for a few hours. So apparently Drew downed a whole fucking glass of dirty water, unsuitable for human consumption …and a little over an hour later, when he came running back out for more water, he spewed a raunchy mixture of pepsi, Ham & Cheeese Hot Pockets, & lung butter all over the kitchen floor! Drew proceeded to wash his feet off in the bath tub & returned to his slumber.