Blog Archives
Wainy Days: Rochelle (Parts 1 & 2)
Watch me steal the spotlight from David Wain in Wainy Days episodes 30 & 31. I do it all–I sit, I clap, I stand, I stare! Check out more episodes at www.wainydays.com
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
This past Monday, I was an extra in an episode of Wainy Days. The following micro-sized journal entries from my adventure were originally posted on Twitter. So, kick back, lube up your ring finger and stimulate your inner asshole to this enchanting tale of friendship, love, betrayal and abusive sexual conquest…
March 9th
12:44 am
Driving solo to NYC. GPS says arrival time is 3:54am. Then 1 hour of sleep before a 1 hour commute & an all day shoot. Switch rad.
1:41 am
1st fast food in years. Double quarter pounder from a truckstop MickyD’s. Saving my stockpile of organic PB sammichz for NYC. Savin’ that $.
2:18 am
Restaurant review: highway McDonalds. DBL QTR CHEESE was a l’il greasy. Guilt lingering. No napkins…but thanks for the free coffee, baby.
3:03 am
Just entered Dirty Jerz. That dirty burg from MickyD’s ain’t sittin’ too purty in my belly. I wanna barf. Another hour of driving to go…
3:49 am
The men & women of Rockaway can suck the piss out of my dick for those false “24 hour gas station” signs they have up on I-80 East.
4:04 am
My arrival time is now four twenty fucking nine A.M…BUT, a male gas station attendent just called me “hun”…that’s what I call service!
4:24 am
Can one Twitter in the Holland Tunnel?
4:27 am
…yes, Apparently one can.
5:08 am
Arrived at destination. Time for my shitty nap.
8:07 am
Fuck that one hour commute…I’m takin’ a cab.
8:41 am
Called for my cab at 8:06…”be there in 4 mins”…only took him 32! I stepped in dog shit & it’s officially all over the back of his seat.
9:26 am
In the “camoflauge couch room” aka: the “extras lounge.” Mr. Wain said he was bringing coffee…now where the fuck is it!?
2:12 pm
Lack of sleep is catching up to me. Yawns are exploding from every orifice. Nothing like a big wardrobe change to fix that…
2:26 pm
Not enough time for a wardrobe change. Got only 60% of my hair & makeup done…but I’m still gnarrin’ it harder than these other dopes.
4:07 pm
If David Wain offers you the rest of his fajita…you take it. If his used fork is still sticking out of it…you use it.
7:05 pm
That’s a wrap on Wainy Days episode 30!
7:31 pm
Brooklyn buses smell like piss.
8:00 pm
I accidentally used an extra 50 cents boarding this bus. It’s my way of saying “thanks for not wiping the blood off this bar I’m touching.”
10:35 pm
Coffee mission. Then I’m blowing this Hep B infested pop stand!
March 10th
12:45 am
iTunes just released the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album (a month early)…a fine way to cap off a NYC trip. Highway iPhone fantasitca.
1:33 am
I am the ONLY car on I-380 North (and South, for that matter). Where is everyone? Did Ohio launch a nuclear attack on Pennsylvania?
4:19 am.
Home sweet Horseheads. 29+ hours of madness with only 2 short naps…time to hibernate. Keep your eyes peeled for Wainy Days #30!
Behind the scenes of Wainy Days episodes 30 & 31.
Bella Morte "Find Forever Gone"
I had no idea this was going up today, but my latest directorial effort is now online! This is the music video for “Find Forever Gone” by Bella Morte off their new album, Beautiful Death, which drops this coming Tuesday...
Happy October!
Lock, Pog and A Few Smoking Barrels
Here’s a short presentation that Taem Jones, J.Ho, Yetti and I threw together in the summer of 2005 while shooting A New Low 2. It explores the dangerous underworld of Pog, a vicious sport banned from the United States since the late 90s. Warning: this dramatization of actual recorded events is not for the faint of heart…
SWM seeks thickening agent for pee
When I was a boy, the sound of Doug Craven’s pee stream was epic. It was loud, powerful, intimidating. It sent shivers down my spine–not to mention light splashes against my face as I tried peaking over the bowl to see what all the commotion was.
I couldn’t wait for the bathroom to shake with the impact of my golden thunder.
Now, here I am at the tender age of 27, with a cock bigger than two Christmas hams, and–though my stream has respectable width and passes at a considerable rate–the consistency of the pee itself is a bit light-bodied for my taste…it’s just too thin to make the splash I’d hoped for by this point in my life.
I’ve increased the amount of pectin, arrowroot and carrageenan in my diet, which has aided in giving my urine a velvety smooth texture…but not the rich, thick density that I’m really hoping to spank the toilet water with. I guess what I’m looking for is something to augment the viscosity of my pee without sacrificing its astringency.
I’m open to suggestions. I just want results, and I want them now. When I piss, my neighbor needs to hear it over his snowblower. The guy at the urinal next to me needs to know that my stream could cut him in half. Most importantly, without needing to press his ear against the bathroom door, Doug Craven needs to know his baby boy has grown up a man.
They may as well fart in my open mouth.
I would rather bathe in Hep A infested diarrhea than continue to sit within breathing distance of any more customers today. They all smell like wet shit splattered on a fat whore’s upper thighs after gym class.
I may just keep the doors locked and start exchanging services through the mail slot…
caramel MOSHiato
Jason Newsted, formerly of Metallica (and tv’s “Rock Star Supernova”), came in and bought a coffee from me on Saturday. His drink of choice is a grande Caramel Macchiato with three shots of espresso and an enthusiastic “EXTRA!!!” whipped cream.
His wife was hot. As my eyes locked onto her, I found myself in somewhat of a trance. Enough foam gathered at the corners of my mouth to top every cappuccino for the next four hours. As I managed to break out of my lascivious stare, I caught Mr. Newsted pointing at my name tag. He looked up and told me my name was famous. I blushed as any rising superstar would, and in turn, with triumphant defiance, said nothing of his name.
He knew that I knew. And now he could only assume that I didn’t care. “This kid is cooler than a multi-platinum selling artist and international sensation!” No one said that. But everyone eavesdropping on this clash of the titans was thinking it. It was in the air.
Now, I’m not very good at mathematics, but what we have here is a pretty simple equation: Jason was the only one smart enough to jump that sinking ship known as Metallica, making him cooler than the rest of the band members. Essentially, Jason Newsted is cooler than Metallica. Now, we’ve already established that I’m cooler than Jason Newsted…which only means one thing: I am cooler than Metallica.
I prefer “bigger than Metallica” though…its catchier.
You heard it here first, folks. Invest in a DVD and t-shirt before I’m a household name and considered “played out” by the hipsters.
Let me in!
I’m sitting outside of work on my skateboard, leeching off the wifi next door, and I have to poop so bad that it’s backing up into my system and starting to fill my scrotum. Ray, please get here and unlock the door!!!
fair trade policy
When I take you out to dinner, I intend on picking up the tab, because I’m a gentleman. Once I have paid for your food, legally, I own it. Since the food in your belly is technically my property, I reserve the right to watch you poop it out later that evening and/or the morning after. I also get dibs on flushing.
THIS JUST IN: it’s now ok to like the band Mest!
I saw Mest at the 2000 Edgefest and thought they put on a really good show. A few weeks later I bought their CD and only listened to it once on account of it being music for highshcool chicks.
Today, however, they’ve earned a spot in my iTunes library because their frontman, Tony Lovato, has been arrested on charges of MURDER!
punknews.org:
Tony Lovato, the frontman for defunct mainstream pop-punk act Mest, was jailed on suspicion of murder in Los Angeles on Sunday. Reuters is reporting that the 26 year old confessed to police that he stabbed his ex-girlfriend’s new lover. He is now being held on $1 million dollar bail.The preliminary news reports claim that Lovato was assaulted earlier in the day by 25 year old Wayne Hughes in the underground parking lot of an apartment building the Studio City suburb. Lt. Andrew Neiman of the Los Angeles Police Dept commented “At some point, Mr. Lovato produced a knife and the victim was stabbed… He has been booked for criminal homicide.” Police had visited the complex the night before due to an altercation between the two men but no arrests were made at that time.
MEST FUCKING RULES.
injured list
The 9 at HHS claimed my ankle today. I’ll be out for the rest of the season and sans skate footy in A New Low 2. Serves me right for waiting til the last minute.
I know you’ll all miss my finger flips, bonelesses and other 1985 stylings.
ETC’s right ankle
1980-2006 R.I.P.
BMtv Episode #9 (Warped Tour)
Check out Episode 9 of BMtv for an exclusive interview with international superstar, Eric Thomas Craven.
The update requesting footage of Mitch Long was up for a record 2 and a half months…and all that was donated was ONE CLIP. I know there’s more skate footage of him out there, if you have access to any, quit being a retard and get that shit to us A.S.A.P.
Reach Eric Thomas via anewlow.net
Also…happy birthday, Poon McGavin.
random updates
•I just finished a bowl of Honey Nut Clusters. There was a brief moment while chewing that I thought it was Raisin Bran.
•I haven’t showered or changed my pants, socks or underwear since Saturday, May 7th…and I haven’t changed my shirt since Sunday.
Eric Thomas Craven
John Holden
Tony Shaddock
