Two hours later…

Taem sold his urine to some fella stressing out over a piss test he had to give for work in the morning, so our drinks were all paid for. The pee sample was collected and delivered in a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon…and with PBR being our beverage of choice for the evening (on account of the elegant blue ribbon), there’s really no telling whether or not one of us accidentally chugged down the wrong liquid at some point. Not that there’s any difference. I just wanted to point out that we may have drank entirely for free.

As we exited the bar, Miss Piggy makes another Jonas Bros comment, this time to an inebriated version of the trio who politely ignored her on the way in—moments into our retaliation, she is verbally assassinated.

Coming to her rescue was her wigger boyfriend, who spit in Taem’s face. Taem returned the gesture by decking him right in his chubby-muff chewin’ lips. Taem knocked the taste of swollen, thoroughly dimpled labia out of his mouth, a motion this white-boy-with-dreams-of-black-pigmentation didn’t take too kindly…triggering him to tackle Taem onto the pavement.

After the two of them rolled around, aggressively hugging in the street for about a minute, they let go of one another and got up. As they brushed themselves off, continuing to size each other up, a cigarette fell from behind the Caucasian hoodrat’s ear…Holden graciously stepped in, picked it up and smoked it right in front of his fat ass. A gentleman, Holden thanked him as he exhaled that first satisfying puff of smoke.

Optimistic for more of a fight, I encourage Taem to snap into a Slim Jim…however, a faithful Christian, Taem’s more of a “say your prayers and take your vitamins” kinda guy…so he removed his shirt, revealing a pair of 24″ pythons, each freshly dipped in baby oil and ready for round two.

With excitement bubbling inside me, I start heckling the wigger about his cell phone that fell and broke during the scuffle. He picked it up, insisting the phone still worked and, unexpectedly, walked away. He retreated quietly, taking his friend and the large girl who initiated this whole mess with him…a relentless tsunami of insults carrying them off into the night.

We couldn’t drive home because we were all still a bit tipsy and the cops were chilling in our parking lot, patiently awaiting a D.W.I. or two…so Taem, still shirtless, approached the officer, told him he was jumped, that his wallet was stolen and gave a brilliant description of the same guy he’d just humiliated in the fight. As soon as the cops cleared out in search of the perpetrator, we ran to our vehicle giggling and drove off all drunk.

Jonas Brothers, for the win!

S-E-X.

Lord knows there’s plenty of that awaiting him on the open road.

I sat down with Scotty to discuss the after-hours of the carnival business—when the lights go down on the ferris wheel, the pee splattered rides in Kiddie Land finally start to dry, the tarps come down on the ring toss and dunk tank…and the real games begin.

In this edition of Carnie Tales, Scotty gives us a little sex education, breaking it down to the bare essentials…

…prostitution:

I’ll be a son of a bitch if it didn’t cost me a hundred and seventy-five dollars. A hundred and seventy-five for a good fuck and a piece of blowjob. Holy shit, man, I was fuckin’ broke the next day. That was a fuckin’ hooker. Huge tits…and she has fuckin’ big tits. You can put your fuckin’ hand right on the motherfuckers. She was a good suck though. I gave it to her. I used a condom. Two. She sucked it when the rubbers were on. I said ‘leave the fuckers on.’”

“I like hair down there. It tickes when it’s a little bushy. That’s why I like it. You can put it in there and get it tickled.”

…how to get more women into bed:

“Put more maple syrup on your French toast. You gotta be a man and use lots of syrup. You’ll pick up a lot of pussy that way. Girls like that. When you eat spaghetti, put Tabasco sauce in it. One time I did that and the girl I was with said ‘let’s go.’”

…and his own sexuality:

“I’ve been horny the rest of my life. Where have you guys been?”

Become friends with Scotty on Facebook. It’ll highly increase your chances of getting laid.

see also:
-Self-Defense Tips From a Carnie

-Sex Advice From a Carnie

-Carnie Tales (vol. 1)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not popping a squat, spreading hole and shitting all over the hard work that went into making this thing…but the truth is, this DVD, from its conception, was only intended to be a little something to bridge the gap between A New Low and the eventual DVD release of 2006’s A New Low 2.

A N’ L Lies is a collection of material from A New Low (College Dudes / Wil vs Car / Cow Urine / Son of a Bitch), A New Low 2 (Yetti vs Taem / Denim Dudes / Animation Theatre), a TBA future release (Roommate Dudes / Pre-Gamin’ with Carlos & Ray Ray), internet-only material (Study Time / Lock, Pog and a Few Smoking Barrels), music videos (Bella Morte’s “On The Edge” and “Find Forever Gone”) and a bonus segment (Comatose Yetter) originally solicited by Mtv producers, and later rejected because it was “too hardcore” for their pansy, G-rated show, Pranked.

We’re offering a special price through the website: only $8.50 (including tax + shipping)…so order one or twelve while you’re here!

Uzi Suicide.

•Post-Canada Mission (June 30th, 2005)
•Black History Month (February 1st, 2005)
•Happy Zero-Five! (January 9th, 2005)
•The Emergence of a New Evil… (November 29th, 2004)
•Virginia trip was a success… (October 20th, 2004)
•Virginia-bound (October 16th, 2004)
•A New Low DVD (October 12th, 2004)
•Weekend in Review (September 20th, 2004)
•“As the Reasons Die” CD release show (June 15th, 2004)

Each episode can be streamed or downloaded below. Look for the entire series (and perhaps a new episode or two) back on iTunes in the near future.

ETC, Seth McPizza and Rob Lavarnway discuss atomic and molecular physics whilst enjoying some early pre-war ragtime blues.

Download Episode #1 (right click, save) or stream it: 

London McGrane and Taem Jones join ETC and Seth McPizza in a heated debate over the the growing risks of nuclear terrorism, then lighten the mood with some Dixieland jazz.

Download Episode #2 (right click, save) or stream it:

Eric Thomas probes deep into the paradoxes of religious belief, infuriating Christian fundamentalist, Taem Jones. As always, The Shamrockers, Rob Lavarnway and Seth McPizza, balance the tension with the joyous sounds of their dueling ukeleles.

Download Episode #3 (right click, save) or stream it:

American astronomer, John Holden, defends Pluto as the Solar System’s ninth planet, while Eric Thomas Craven, Taem Jones and Rob Lavarnway (key representatives of the International Astronomical Union) stand by its newly appointed status as a “dwarf planet”. Can they overcome their differences in time to enjoy a live performance by Earth’s famous Harlem Gospel Choir??

Download Episode #4 (right click, save) or stream it:

Taem Jones, Eric Thomas Craven and London McGrane venture deep into the bowels of a midtown Manhattan subway station to research a secret underground society of homeless people. When the three of them become lost in the sunless labyrinth, only the subterranean grooves of a panhandling saxophone player can guide them back to the surface.

Download Episode #5 (right click, save) or stream it:

Shaolin masters, Eric Thomas Craven and Taem Jones, have been taken hostage. When two mild mannered firemen, London McGrane and Rob Lavarnway, cross enemy lines to rescue them, they encounter a 50 foot ogre with a taste for pizza and a boner for books. Moments before the three of them engage in battle, Taem and Eric Thomas jump out from behind a tree and yell “SURPRISE!”…immediately charming their former adversary. Later that day, they went on to form the award winning Scandinavian black metal 5 piece, KANKERSORE.

Download Episode #6 (right click, save) or stream it:

Eric Thomas Craven, Taem Jones, London McGrane, Seth McPizza and Rob Lavarnway take a much needed break from protesting a local abortion clinic and physically assaulting it’s patients–to tour neighboring towns as an all black rhythm and blues trio.

Download Episode #7 (right click, save) or stream it:

When Wil “Liam” Smith is cut from John Johnson’s micro-budget remake of 2004’s Garden State, Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven console him with an acoustic guitar and a few rousing ballads about Zach Braff’s heavenly dimples of venus.

Download Episode #8 (right click, save) or stream it:

In the gripping finale of this epic two-parter, lone Bella Morte keyboardist, Micah Consylman, saves Eric Thomas Craven and Taem Jones from the crippling AIDS cloud that trashy novelist, Shawn Decker, carelessly emits from his rear-end in their direction following a nasty verbal altercation. Facing a life in prison for attempted murder, Shawn breaks into a one-man monk chant to make peace with god.

Download Episode #9 (right click, save) or stream it:

This week an array of special guests join Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven via satellite, as the debate heats up over Cardinal McPizza downplaying Vatican direction on communion. Robert Lavarnway, a pro-abortion politician, who was refused communion after failure to alter his stance on the issue, also guests on the show in his first interview since the incident. Celestial harp accompaniment provided by classical Ukrainian quintet, WHORE’S BLOOD.

Download Episode #10 (right click, save) or stream it:

Dalton deficiency in a boy’s development will spark the devolution of man.

Without Road House, you lose the immortal words “pain don’t hurt”…and without this declaration, humanity loses it’s strength. Our species will become frail and weak. We will eventually be conquered by creatures inferior by today’s standards. A century from now it’s a distinct possibility our surviving civilization will succumb to a herd of guinea pigs.

The question begging to be answered is: Who’s going to put the “MAN” back in the future of “mankind”?

Along comes Scotty. He’s coolheaded and evenhanded, but he means business. His experience transcends taking out the trash at a seedy roadside bar…he does his dirty work on the savage fairgrounds. No man’s land. On top of that, he too has a degree in philosophy, only his was printed out on carnival tickets and inked with the blood of all those who’ve dared cut in line at the merry-go-round.

In Scotty, we have not only the successor to James Dalton, but perhaps…

…the savior of the human race.

see also:
-Carnie Tales (vol.2)

-Sex Advice From a Carnie

-Carnie Tales (vol. 1)

see also:
-Carnie Tales (vol.2)

-Self-Defense Tips From a Carnie

-Carnie Tales (vol. 1)

However, in this particular installment of Carnie Tales, we’ll touch base on just that… …the road:

“I ride with my boss. I have to keep him awake…so he can drive. I don’t. I fall asleep. His wife bitches at me all the time. I’d like to have her. She’s hot. I’d like to have his daughter better.”

…women:

“I went with a girl once. For seven years. She went down to Virginia, got pregnant by another man. I broke up with her. He came up here, said “I want to meet ya.” I met him…right on the ground. That’s stupid. Cheated on my woman. I graduated with her. I met her in sixth grade. I went with her eight years. She went down to Florida…Virginia. Come back pregnant by another man. That was the end of it.”

…more women:

“I went to a whore bar one time…I’ll be a son of a bitch…she grabs my cock, takes me in the other room…and strokes it.”

…and Mexicans:

“I had this one Mexican, ten years ago…runnin’ the merry-go-round. Every time he’d go underneath it…he liked to jack off in front of ‘em. You can’t do that when people are on it…because the pedal is outside where the front gate is.”

Become friends with Scotty on Facebook. You have much to learn from him.

see also:
-Carnie Tales (vol.2)

-Self-Defense Tips From a Carnie

-Sex Advice From a Carnie