Be sure to snatch up a Yetti vs Taem sticker and a copy of our AN’L Lies DVD! Awooga!

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I went to Trade Secret @ the Arnot Mall in Big Flats, NY. It was my first visit. I am very pleased with my cut, color and highlights. I am shocked, however, at the extreme lack of professionalism, that started with my initial call to make an appointment and continued until I left my stylist’s chair. I called and described what I wanted done, and asked if I could get in that evening. Two minutes of total silence…I thought perhaps a simple “hold on” or “let me check for you” would have been appropriate before leaving me hanging on the phone. Once in the salon, I was even more shocked. I was told to have a seat. I looked around and had to ask, “Uh, Where?” as there are no seats in the reception area for clients to relax in while waiting. He pointed up on the salon floor and said that I could sit in a cutting chair. While my color was processing, I decided to shop in the retail area next to the reception desk. The reception person, who I have learned by this time is Eric, answered the phone with a Trade Secret greeting then smiles and says “Oh, it’s you! I thought it was a S-T-U-P-I-D customer!” I was appalled. If I were not in the middle of a process I would have walked out right at that moment! Eric went on three breaks out in the mall while I was in the salon for 2 hours and entertained 1-3 friends at all times while in the salon. They were talking, laughing, having a great time. My stylist left her chair to greet customers, explain sales, and ring up a person because Eric was nowhere around. That was MY time he was stealing. I had a husband and 2 children waiting for me in the mall and my appointment would have been shortened by at least a half hour if my stylist did not have to wait on other customers that were Eric’s responsibility. I saw one paying customer besides myself while there. I saw one free haircolor and two separate stylists give free haircuts to friends. Upon asking my stylists when the manager would be in because I would like to speak to her, I learned that the store has no manager. Well, that was quite obvious! I love my hair. My stylist was amazing and I spent just under $100 that evening, but would I go back? Probably not unless that stylist went to another salon. All my friends love my hair and ask where I had it done. I tell them, but I also share my ridiculous experience and no one is interested in going themselves, and who could honestly blame them?

Darlene Niver
209 Meadowlark Road
Horseheads, NY 14845
(607) 734-6613
darleneniver@yahoo.com

Introducing the A New Low sticker pack! These colorful depictions of popular A New Low segments, “Yetti vs Taem” and “Denim Dudes,” feature original artwork by Consolidated Skateboards artist and ambassador of Toilet Town, Alexander Duke, and are sure to get a rise out of all the squeamish, steroid-poppin’ homophobes in your life. You can have both stickers for only one buck by clicking HERE.

*This is not an insistence, nor a suggestion…slap these l’il vinyl adhesives around town at your own risk.
**True story. We were kicked out of D’Jais-wannabe bar, The Colosseum in Scranton, PA, after handing out a few stickers. “These are the guys selling gay porn…” was heard as we were muscled out the door by a pseudo-Italian bouncer/Jersey Shore incarnate.

Now, first and foremost, I’d like to address why I wasn’t asked to direct Bella Morte’s new video. Afterall, I helmed the last three (zombie prom masterpiece, Earth Angel; dizzying blue hurricane of cinematic triumph, On The Edge; and the one with feathers, Find Forever Gone)…naturally, their fans were chanting my name in harmonic unison, awaiting the fourth coming of—what was it they were calling me…the “music video messiah” or something to that effect. So, what happened?

As you well know, I’m taking Hollywood by storm. I’m a very big deal. Essentially, I was asking 6 figures to do the new video…but Cock-Block Kaufman agreed to do it for a #6 at Taco Bell. See, it’s problematic when filmmakers are more involved with “art” and less concerned with money. So now, my name doesn’t appear in lights and my bank account suffers…it’s like, go get a paintbrush or something, artfag.

Lloyd and his Troma imprint were a very important part of my upbringing. Five minutes into my young and tender first viewing of the Toxic Avenger, my father jabbed his gurthy, vein rippled viking thumb hard into the eject button on our VCR and set sail for an angry return to Little Joe’s Video Rental. Hopping out of the director’s chair for this guy was a real honor…and knowing that I’d farted in it moments before he called “move your feet, lose your feet” was an added bonus.

So, without further ado, here’s Lloyd Kaufman’s latest work, STARRING John Holden, Taem Jones, myself, Toxie…and some unnecessary secretary (?) who makes the same face in every scene she’s in. Enjoy!