Category Archives: Reviews
Dave Matthews Band Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King
Freshman dorm room beer-slut music.
Gym Class Heroes The Quilt
Introductory hip hop for emo bedwetters.
Black Eyed Peas The E.N.D.
Sports bar music for divorced Caucasians.
Cobra Starship Hot Mess
Adults dressed like/performing for preteens.
Muse The Resistance
The “Delta Kappa Radiohead” roofies Queen.
Paramore Brand New Eyes
Wentz groupies create more kindergarten anthems.
Kings of Leon Only by the Night
The sound of bearded men crying.
Asher Roth Asleep in the Bread Aisle
Rap for all-white, gated communities.
Jay-Z The Blueprint 3
Egomaniacal nursey rhymes, brand name packaging.
Cum-belching whore lowers the bar.
Vampire Weekend Contra
Abercrombie approved, sorority house turd rock.
Dumb jocks discover shitty laptop beats.
BrokeNCYDE I’m Not a Fan, But the Kids Like It!
Bizkit’s five remaining fans discover 3Oh!3.
Jack’s Mannequin The Glass Passenger
Singer’s leukemia compressed into audio format.
Did their drummer die of boredom?
Green Tea Frappuccino
High calorie, grass flavored icy sludge.
White Chocolate Mocha
High fructose paste in a cup.
Lightly sweetened anal discharge, over ice.
Coffee “flavor” blended with synthetic byproducts.
Snobby way to ask for coffee.
“Last night, I dragged happicow to a Bella Morte concert at The Haunt.
In lieu of an opening band, they instead premiered A New Low 2 before the show. If you think Viva La Bam is super high-culture, you’d probably dig this film a bunch; but personally I just don’t get the appeal of teabagging or vomiting on your friends.”
Lemonade Blended Beverage
Cold, chunky, lemon scented corn syrup.
Grande sugar-free Vanilla Latte, “skinny,” no foam
Muddy water for cuntish old hags.
A coffee-esque, toilet flavored McDonalds milkshake.
Starbucks Brewed Coffee
Ground fresh…bagged, shipped…served stale.
Celebrate your appreciation of tooth decay.
I got back to my house 20 minutes from the time I’d left, with a thirst for more than just the morning coffee in my right hand. It is Tuesday, a day in which new music and movies are released nationwide on digital formats for our consumer needs. I hadn’t anticipated any particular new releases, but I knew I’d find something, anything to put further stress on my iPod’s hard drive in no more than thirty seconds of riffling through the iTunes store.
I hit the 128 kb/s jackpot when I discovered AFI had a new album out!
I immediately purchased the album and gulped down my coffee with great anticipation as the songs downloaded to my computer and transferred over to my iPod. I cancelled my 12:30 business luncheon and went out for a long nature walk to really absorb the new songs; to take in every note and become one with the music.
I’d like to share with you my review as it appears on iTunes. I typically write six-word record reviews, but this release is so special, so enchanting…I felt the need to go above and beyond–a reflection, if you will, of the album itself.
(click to enlarge)
Gwen Stefani The Sweet Escape
An elaborate prank on gullible retards?
Coheed and Cambria No World For Tomorrow
Impenetrable sex shield for husky virgins.
Kanye West Graduation
Black music for white douche bags.
My Chemical Romance Black Parade
A rock opera without AIDS? Gay.
Ashlee Simpson I Am Me
Art is dead. Fat chicks rejoice.