Are you looking to vandalize cop cars* and get yourself shoved out of Guido bars for soliciting “gay porn”** by bros who: wear sunglasses indoors at night, always lean to the right/make the same face when posing for pictures and have monikers like “Rockstar J. Vegas,” “Fishboy B.” and “DeRTy Ka$h” (pictured below)? If so…boy, do I have the solution for you!
Introducing the A New Low sticker pack! These colorful depictions of popular A New Low segments, “Yetti vs Taem” and “Denim Dudes,” feature original artwork by Consolidated Skateboards artist and ambassador of Toilet Town, Alexander Duke, and are sure to get a rise out of all the squeamish, steroid-poppin’ homophobes in your life. You can have both stickers for only one buck by clicking HERE.
*This is not an insistence, nor a suggestion…slap these l’il vinyl adhesives around town at your own risk.
**True story. We were kicked out of D’Jais-wannabe bar, The Colosseum in Scranton, PA, after handing out a few stickers. “These are the guys selling gay porn…” was heard as we were muscled out the door by a pseudo-Italian bouncer/Jersey Shore incarnate.
The day A N’ L Lies was released (available here for an absolutely JUICY eight dollars and fifty cents), John Holden, Taem Jones and I migrated to Chattanooga, Tennessee to promote the DVD at Con Nooga 2010, pass the Bella Morte music video torch to Troma president, Lloyd Kaufman and participate in said music video, Bella Morte’s In the Dirt.
Now, first and foremost, I’d like to address why I wasn’t asked to direct Bella Morte’s new video. Afterall, I helmed the last three (zombie prom masterpiece, Earth Angel; dizzying blue hurricane of cinematic triumph, On The Edge; and the one with feathers, Find Forever Gone)…naturally, their fans were chanting my name in harmonic unison, awaiting the fourth coming of—what was it they were calling me…the “music video messiah” or something to that effect. So, what happened?
As you well know, I’m taking Hollywood by storm. I’m a very big deal. Essentially, I was asking 6 figures to do the new video…but Cock-Block Kaufman agreed to do it for a #6 at Taco Bell. See, it’s problematic when filmmakers are more involved with “art” and less concerned with money. So now, my name doesn’t appear in lights and my bank account suffers…it’s like, go get a paintbrush or something, artfag.
Lloyd and his Troma imprint were a very important part of my upbringing. Five minutes into my young and tender first viewing of the Toxic Avenger, my father jabbed his gurthy, vein rippled viking thumb hard into the eject button on our VCR and set sail for an angry return to Little Joe’s Video Rental. Hopping out of the director’s chair for this guy was a real honor…and knowing that I’d farted in it moments before he called “move your feet, lose your feet” was an added bonus.
So, without further ado, here’s Lloyd Kaufman’s latest work, STARRING John Holden, Taem Jones, myself, Toxie…and some unnecessary secretary (?) who makes the same face in every scene she’s in. Enjoy!
In mid February, Taem, J.Ho and I went down to ConNooga in Chattanooga, Tennessee to promote A N’ L Lies (available here for only $8.50!) and appear as extras in Lloyd Kaufman‘s Bella Morte music video. After the shoot, Jeremy Atkins of Indie MediaCast sat us down to discuss the new DVD, Bella Morte and ConNooga 2010.
…and I must say, the three of us give an extremely professional interview.
A New Low Films- These guys ARE low
Sunday, February 21, 2010
IMC had the pleasure, or displeasure depending on how you feel about depravity. A New Low is an independent film company based out of NY. Lies (ANL demo dvd) apparently toppled even Lloyd Kaufman’s iron gut.
These guys are sick, vile and disgusting, and also some of the best party copilots one could have at a convention.
Keep a look out for A NEW LOW’s brand of horror cinema and buy every NEW LOW piece of merchandise you see. Why?! So that we can keep them off the street and most likely off of your daughter.
That’s right, it’s carnival season—and right now, Scotty is on a bus to Middletown, Connecticut, where he begins his grueling 29th year as a carnie for Coleman Bros. Fair.
Every so often, when he’s not covering up pee on the kiddie slide with coats of silicone spray or getting his dick tickled, he’ll be updating his Twitter page with firsthand accounts of sexual conquest, barroom brawls and more fairground mischief than you can shake a Kewpie doll at.
Duff McKagen of Guns N’ Roses once referred to their G N’ R Lies EP as “a half-assed mini album”…a sentiment so parallel to my feelings toward our latest DVD, it called for a blatant homage.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not popping a squat, spreading hole and shitting all over the hard work that went into making this thing…but the truth is, this DVD, from its conception, was only intended to be a little something to bridge the gap between A New Low and the eventual DVD release of 2006′s A New Low 2.
A N’ L Lies is a collection of material from A New Low (College Dudes / Wil vs Car / Cow Urine / Son of a Bitch), A New Low 2 (Yetti vs Taem / Denim Dudes / Animation Theatre), a TBA future release (Roommate Dudes / Pre-Gamin’ with Carlos & Ray Ray), internet-only material (Study Time / Lock, Pog and a Few Smoking Barrels), music videos (Bella Morte’s “On The Edge” and “Find Forever Gone”) and a bonus segment (Comatose Yetter) originally solicited by Mtv producers, and later rejected because it was “too hardcore” for their pansy, G-rated show, Pranked.
We’re offering a special price through the website: only $8.50 (including tax + shipping)…so order one or twelve while you’re here!
Thanks to advancements in NASA technologies, a distant radio signal from Star System KBX-489′s most coveted podcast has again been discovered and decrypted by scientists into a frequency detectable by human ears!
Each episode can be streamed or downloaded below. Look for the entire series (and perhaps a new episode or two) back on iTunes in the near future.
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #1
Recorded on January 21, 2007.
ETC, Seth McPizza and Rob Lavarnway discuss atomic and molecular physics whilst enjoying some early pre-war ragtime blues.
Download Episode #1 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #2
Recorded on January 24, 2007.
London McGrane and Taem Jones join ETC and Seth McPizza in a heated debate over the the growing risks of nuclear terrorism, then lighten the mood with some Dixieland jazz.
Download Episode #2 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #3 [Valentine's Day]
Recorded on February 5, 2007.
Eric Thomas probes deep into the paradoxes of religious belief, infuriating Christian fundamentalist, Taem Jones. As always, The Shamrockers, Rob Lavarnway and Seth McPizza, balance the tension with the joyous sounds of their dueling ukeleles.
Download Episode #3 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #4 [Deth to Seth]
Recorded on February 12, 2007.
American astronomer, John Holden, defends Pluto as the Solar System’s ninth planet, while Eric Thomas Craven, Taem Jones and Rob Lavarnway (key representatives of the International Astronomical Union) stand by its newly appointed status as a “dwarf planet”. Can they overcome their differences in time to enjoy a live performance by Earth’s famous Harlem Gospel Choir??
Download Episode #4 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #5 [New York City]
Recorded on February 17, 2007.
Taem Jones, Eric Thomas Craven and London McGrane venture deep into the bowels of a midtown Manhattan subway station to research a secret underground society of homeless people. When the three of them become lost in the sunless labyrinth, only the subterranean grooves of a panhandling saxophone player can guide them back to the surface.
Download Episode #5 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #6
Recorded on February 27, 2007.
Shaolin masters, Eric Thomas Craven and Taem Jones, have been taken hostage. When two mild mannered firemen, London McGrane and Rob Lavarnway, cross enemy lines to rescue them, they encounter a 50 foot ogre with a taste for pizza and a boner for books. Moments before the three of them engage in battle, Taem and Eric Thomas jump out from behind a tree and yell “SURPRISE!”…immediately charming their former adversary. Later that day, they went on to form the award winning Scandinavian black metal 5 piece, KANKERSORE.
Download Episode #6 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #7
Recorded on March 3, 2007.
Eric Thomas Craven, Taem Jones, London McGrane, Seth McPizza and Rob Lavarnway take a much needed break from protesting a local abortion clinic and physically assaulting it’s patients–to tour neighboring towns as an all black rhythm and blues trio.
Download Episode #7 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #8 [Charlottesville, VA p.1]
Recorded on March 12, 2007.
When Wil “Liam” Smith is cut from John Johnson’s micro-budget remake of 2004’s Garden State, Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven console him with an acoustic guitar and a few rousing ballads about Zach Braff’s heavenly dimples of venus.
Download Episode #8 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #9 [Charlottesville, VA p.2]
Recorded on March 12, 2007.
In the gripping finale of this epic two-parter, lone Bella Morte keyboardist, Micah Consylman, saves Eric Thomas Craven and Taem Jones from the crippling AIDS cloud that trashy novelist, Shawn Decker, carelessly emits from his rear-end in their direction following a nasty verbal altercation. Facing a life in prison for attempted murder, Shawn breaks into a one-man monk chant to make peace with god.
Download Episode #9 (right click, save) or stream it:
Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #10
Recorded on June 5, 2007.
This week an array of special guests join Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven via satellite, as the debate heats up over Cardinal McPizza downplaying Vatican direction on communion. Robert Lavarnway, a pro-abortion politician, who was refused communion after failure to alter his stance on the issue, also guests on the show in his first interview since the incident. Celestial harp accompaniment provided by classical Ukrainian quintet, WHORE’S BLOOD.
Download Episode #10 (right click, save) or stream it:
Watch me steal the spotlight from David Wain in Wainy Days episodes 30 & 31. I do it all–I sit, I clap, I stand, I stare! Check out more episodes at www.wainydays.com
This past Monday, I was an extra in an episode of Wainy Days. The following micro-sized journal entries from my adventure were originally posted on Twitter. So, kick back, lube up your ring finger and stimulate your inner asshole to this enchanting tale of friendship, love, betrayal and abusive sexual conquest…
March 9th
12:44 am
Driving solo to NYC. GPS says arrival time is 3:54am. Then 1 hour of sleep before a 1 hour commute & an all day shoot. Switch rad.
1:41 am
1st fast food in years. Double quarter pounder from a truckstop MickyD’s. Saving my stockpile of organic PB sammichz for NYC. Savin’ that $.
2:18 am
Restaurant review: highway McDonalds. DBL QTR CHEESE was a l’il greasy. Guilt lingering. No napkins…but thanks for the free coffee, baby.
3:03 am
Just entered Dirty Jerz. That dirty burg from MickyD’s ain’t sittin’ too purty in my belly. I wanna barf. Another hour of driving to go…
3:49 am
The men & women of Rockaway can suck the piss out of my dick for those false “24 hour gas station” signs they have up on I-80 East.
4:04 am
My arrival time is now four twenty fucking nine A.M…BUT, a male gas station attendent just called me “hun”…that’s what I call service!
4:24 am
Can one Twitter in the Holland Tunnel?
4:27 am
…yes, Apparently one can.
5:08 am
Arrived at destination. Time for my shitty nap.
8:07 am
Fuck that one hour commute…I’m takin’ a cab.
8:41 am
Called for my cab at 8:06…”be there in 4 mins”…only took him 32! I stepped in dog shit & it’s officially all over the back of his seat.
9:26 am
In the “camoflauge couch room” aka: the “extras lounge.” Mr. Wain said he was bringing coffee…now where the fuck is it!?
2:12 pm
Lack of sleep is catching up to me. Yawns are exploding from every orifice. Nothing like a big wardrobe change to fix that…
2:26 pm
Not enough time for a wardrobe change. Got only 60% of my hair & makeup done…but I’m still gnarrin’ it harder than these other dopes.
4:07 pm
If David Wain offers you the rest of his fajita…you take it. If his used fork is still sticking out of it…you use it.
7:05 pm
That’s a wrap on Wainy Days episode 30!
7:31 pm
Brooklyn buses smell like piss.
8:00 pm
I accidentally used an extra 50 cents boarding this bus. It’s my way of saying “thanks for not wiping the blood off this bar I’m touching.”
10:35 pm
Coffee mission. Then I’m blowing this Hep B infested pop stand!
March 10th
12:45 am
iTunes just released the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album (a month early)…a fine way to cap off a NYC trip. Highway iPhone fantasitca.
1:33 am
I am the ONLY car on I-380 North (and South, for that matter). Where is everyone? Did Ohio launch a nuclear attack on Pennsylvania?
4:19 am.
Home sweet Horseheads. 29+ hours of madness with only 2 short naps…time to hibernate. Keep your eyes peeled for Wainy Days #30!
This is the first major retail release from the wonderful world of A New Low. If you have an iTunes account, show Metropolis Records you want to see me make more music videos–buy and review (at the very least, review) this video! If you’re feeling extra saucy, you can send the video as a gift. Your support is greatly appreciated by the band, myself and the crotchless hookers of Northern Canada.
The new Bella Morte album, Beautiful Death, is now available! Included on the physical CD release is the music video for “Find Forever Gone,” directed by yours truly.
The CD is available everywhere. Support the band, support A New Low, support turtleneck sweaters!
I had no idea this was going up today, but my latest directorial effort is now online! This is the music video for “Find Forever Gone” by Bella Morte off their new album, Beautiful Death, which drops this coming Tuesday...
A lot of people have asked me for details of the fight in A New Low, the one in which an afro’d black male smashes some white boyz head into a parked car…
Who was it?
What happened?
When was this?
Where was this?
Why were they fighting?
Honestly, I don’t know all the details myself. I was at a “Fuck Those Dudes” anti-X Games party in Philly. People were drunk, and those two people decided to go outside and bleed on each other. That’s all I know.
Typically, this is where the concerned inquiry shifts from “who, what, when, where and why??” to “wait…’anti-X Games’?? I thought you were a skateboarder??” This is always difficult for me to explain without going on a cynical tangent, or lecturing them on why it upsets me to see shitty corporations urinating logos all over something that I truly love.
…luckily, I no longer have to. Dave Carnie just posted an article on Jackass World that he’d originally written for Big Brother in 2002, explaining (in greater detail than I could ever give) why the X Games suck, the story behind “Fuck Those Dudes,” the event itself…and even makes a brief mention of (but offers no further insight on) the same fight so many of you have seen in A New Low.
It’s a good read, quite funny and has a fine assortment of Carnie-isms…particularly “switch-rad,” which I’m surprised never caught on, and consequently, I’m stealing for my own use. Fuck that dude.
Here’s an old clip from A New Low (which you can now get for a measly $12 by clicking the banner to the right) proving once again–we’re not willing to let a good turd go to waste.
So pour yourself a thick, creamy glass of chocolate milk and enjoy!
Are you looking to vandalize cop cars* and get yourself shoved out of Guido bars for soliciting “gay porn”** by bros who: wear sunglasses indoors at night, always lean to the right/make the same face when posing for pictures and have monikers like “Rockstar J. Vegas,” “Fishboy B.” and “DeRTy Ka$h” (pictured below)? If so…boy, do I have the solution for you!
Introducing the A New Low sticker pack! These colorful depictions of popular A New Low segments, “Yetti vs Taem” and “Denim Dudes,” feature original artwork by Consolidated Skateboards artist and ambassador of Toilet Town, Alexander Duke, and are sure to get a rise out of all the squeamish, steroid-poppin’ homophobes in your life. You can have both stickers for only one buck by clicking HERE.
Posted by Eric Thomas Craven 
