Category Archives: Artistic Genius
Yurii Richards: Quotes Of A Self-Proclaimed Intellectual 2
That’s right, Kiddos! Your favorite butterball braggart is back, this time boasting of his bookish bailiwick! If you were a fan of the original Yurii Richards: Quotes Of A Self-Proclaimed Intellectual, then this edition to my spiteful yet critically-commended caricature contempt of a former supervisor should leave you strokin’ your bookworm!!!
“My favorite author is Anthony Burgess. I actually own a British copy of A Clockwork Orange that contains an omitted 21st chapter that’s never been released in America. Kubrick didn’t even include it in his film. Yeah, it’s a pretty rare find.”
-Yurii Richards, blowing his own horn regarding what he believes to be a literary anomaly, when in reality every edition of A Clockwork Orange published in the U.S. after 1986 includes the highly-imperative final chapter.
Yurii Richards: Quotes Of A Self-Proclaimed Intellectual
Last August, my seven-year stint as a drone ant for a local Italian eatery was brought to a meatball-tingling halt by the hand of a third-rate, no-talent, wannabe Gordon Ramsey that had worked there for only a few months. All because he couldn’t deal with the fact that I saw him for what he was (worthless) and therefore couldn’t honestly respect him for anything whatsoever. His name is Yurii Richards and in his own mind his genius goes unmatched in this universe. In reality, he is just another middle-aged goof that drips sweat into every dish he prepares while suffering from a debilitating case of bad taste in music (The English Beat is the best band ever? …Seriously?).
Despite my abhorrence for him, I can’t help but appreciate some of the random anecdotes that I heard spew from his blubbery mouth in the short time that I worked under him. That’s why I’ve decided to start a recurring ode to his brilliant aptitude. It’s called Yurii Richards: Quotes Of A Self-Proclaimed Intellectual and will be posted regularly on A New Low until I run out of these gems of modern imbecility. They are all real quotes expelled from his gullet to my ears. I hope that everyone else finds delight in them as much as I do. It’s the least I could do to thank him for the six-month paid vacation that he gave me (sponsored by the wonderful state of New York and their impeccable Labor Department). And if you’re reading this, Yurii, congratulations on the demotion and the divorce!!
“I coulda got married once, before I met my wife… back in Montana. She was rich too. I woulda been set for life. Then I found out she was fuckin’ someone else. She threw me out and gave me Herpes, that bitch.”
-Yurii Richards, at random (while apparently feeling exceptionally honest about his past) in the middle of a work day.
Toilet paper is played out.
I’m replacing my t.p. dispenser with a bowl of wet tongues. Who’s with me!!
“Boner-Be-Gone”
Print this picture, fold it up and keep it in your wallet. The next time you have a pesky erection in a situation where you wish it’d go away (school, church, while giving your little brother a bath, while witnessing your mother being raped, etc) just take one look at this disturbing image and the “banana in your pocket” should shrink down to an unnoticeable l’il bump in just a matter of seconds.
WARNING: Excessive use may cause permanent erectile dysfunction…use only when needed.
”Black Dudes: Dong or Dung?”
The alternate title for this piece was “Black Guys Have a Butthole On Each Side”, but it was deemed too sophisticated for the average layman to fully understand without challenging his or her intellect…something the youth of today doesn’t seem to have the time for. Anyhow, the point I’m trying to convey here is this: black penises resemble ca-ca/poo-poo/shit…once again proving that whites are the superior race.
Eric Thomas Craven
John Holden
Tony Shaddock
