Author Archives: Eric Thomas Craven
This morning, residents of Horseheads, New York awoke from a collective nightmare.
Since late May, the small town has been terrorized by a large, unidentified creature, one that has claimed the lives of over a hundred thousand men, women and children…and, in what will forever be remembered as “Horseheads’ 9/11,” caused minor structural damage to the village post office.
Yet, at approximately 1:33 AM Eastern Standard Time, shortly after civil defense sirens cut through the night to warn of another attack (the first since October 8th’s mid-evening rampage that devastated the red light district of Hanover Square)—reports were flooding in that the beast was in captivity. By the time the National Guard arrived, both the menace and its captor were gone.
Eyewitnesses were shaken; unable to identify the man who undoubtedly saved them. “He was a strong man with chiseled abs and a well-oiled chest,” said Linda Bradstaff of East Franklin St. “I wanted to personally thank him, but he was gone before I was able to fully expose my vagina.”
Of the beast, one witness claimed it was an “enormous wolf, the size of full grown horse; with the head of a horse and a horse’s body and horse hooves…almost like some sort of large, horse-shaped wolf.”
The only known photograph (pictured above), taken by area carpet salesman and contemporary ballet instructor, Andrew Marshall, depicts the two in the heat of battle, fully engaged in a violent life-or-death struggle. Though a spectacular raw portrait of selfless, unparalleled heroism…it offers few clues to officials desparate for answers.
“We’d like to know more about the man who saved our town, our families, our friends and neighbors,” said police chief, Barry Stanford. “However, we need to know if he’ll be back to protect us, should this monstrous wolf with horse features ever return…or, god forbid, if there are more of them out there.”
Stanford continued, “I know the whole town would love the opportunity to thank him…I don’t think a parade is out of the question. We’d pull out the retired fire engines, get the high school marching band to do their thing, have some floats made in his honor…and, of course, every man, woman and child would be there proudly exposing their genitals.”
To celebrate the ten year anniversary of A New Low, I’ve whipped up a brand new digital-only extended cut, aptly titled A New Low (Tenth Anniversary Edition), it includes the movie, bonus stuff from the original DVD release, plus never-before-seen deleted material; bumping the overall runtime up to an hour n’ two minutes (from its original 36 minutes)!
A New Low (Tenth Anniversary Edition) is available to download right here for only $1.99!
PS: For the inevitable inquiries or wisecracks about owning a copy of A New Low 2 before its upcoming ten year anniversary: since the decision not to put it out on DVD, we’ve struggled for a very long time to find a proper outlet for it…so, if the digital release of A New Low (Tenth Anniversary Edition) proves desirable, we’ll have a downloadable version of A New Low 2 in your hands by Halloween of this year.
In other words, if you want a copy of A New Low 2, quit shakin’ your fist at me—and start shakin’ your credit card in this direction. Capeesh?
A New Low premiered at The Haunt in Ithaca, NY ten years ago today. Millions gathered at Thorne Street Park in Horseheads to observe the anniversary and join in prayer. The decennial celebration culminated with a massive fireworks show honoring the cast and crew, who were on hand and charging only $25 per autograph. Happy anniversary, fellas! Here’s to the next ten years of A NEW LOW!
A night of home improvement and repair is interrupted by home invasion and despair in this thrilling sequel to cult hit, Son of a Bitch.
After being banned in over 319 countries, the controversial sequel to BLOOD DEATH has finally landed a distribution deal in the U.S. This presentation of BLOOD DEATH AGAIN is uncut, uncensored and unforgiving…you’ve been warned. #instagrindhouse
For my very first Instagram Video, I teamed up with Chinese actor, Jian Jun, and pounded out 15 seconds of sleaze n’ schlock straight outta the #instagrindhouse. I give to you…BLOOD DEATH.
Green Day recently held a contest challenging their fans to create a short film inspired by one of the 37 songs off of their trilogy of new albums ¡Uno!, ¡Dos!, and ¡Tré!. Our Son of a Bitch: Part III prototype, Sex, Drugs and Violence, was voted 19th (out of 223) by the fans and then, two weeks later, the band closed out the contest by picking their five favorites. They picked ours, of course (don’t mistake the tone of this sentence as one of arrogance, ok? Let’s just be real for a moment: we had a sock monkey violently slaughtering hot babes and douche bags at a summer camp in the 1980′s–honestly, how can anyone compete with that??) and right now our short is being showcased on their website.
In the tradition of green celebrities misspelling my name while briefly sharing a sliver of their spotlight with me (my camera credit on Tom Green’s Prepare For Impact DVD is “Eric Thomas Graben“), I’m mentioned not once, but twice on the main page of greenday.com as “Eric Thomas Crave.”
It was an honor being able to entertain Green Day for 3 1/2 minutes, considering they’ve been entertaining me for the past 19 years. I’d like to thank them for picking our short and sharing their massive audience with us. So, Billie Joe Armstron, Mike Dirn and Tré Coo…thanks, dudes!
The polls are closed. We ended up in 19th place out of 223. Now the band combs through the top videos and chooses a winner.
To all of our voters: THANK YOU.
To all of the people who spread the word or shared a link: A REALLY BIG THANK YOU.
To those of you who annoyed all of your friends, family and coworkers by texting, calling, tweeting, sending out private messages and backing them into a corner: A REALLY REALLY BIG THANK YOU.
To those who couldn’t vote due to technical difficulties: your vote was there in spirit and I certainly THANK YOU for your efforts.
To those of you who were going to vote until you got paranoid because “the video site wanted all of my personal information”: it’s 2013, is this really the first time you’ve ever seen that COMMON Facebook login disclaimer that’s there for your convenience?? Furthermore, if you’re fearful of your personal information being misused, why the hell did you ever sign up for FACEBOOK in the first place?
To those of you who couldn’t be bothered to vote: your crotch is going to rot completely off from a severe case of syphilis found only in the lamest and/or laziest of human beings. I hope it’s painful.
Thanks again for putting up with my ’round the clock social network “spamming” and nagging texts. Wish us luck in the next round!
Well, our gross video with incredible boobs NEEDS your votes. Less than 16 hours to go!
Help us out, VOTE HERE!*
*UPDATE: the polls are closed.
This has absolutely NOTHING to do with voting for our new short film (
*UPDATE: the polls are closed.