The warmth of a friend’s vomit brings joy to our hearts, sunlight to our souls, bile to our crotches, and pleasure to all of life.
Yetti vs Taem A NEW LOW shirts are now available as well!
Scotty is a rogue, a libertine…a carnie. He is so famous for his many illicit love affairs and perpetual womanizing that his name is synonymous with the art of seduction. For Scotty, the fairgrounds are an open field of sexual opportunities…for the rest of us, his incontrovertible sex advice is an opportunity for self improvement.
It attacked me from behind, so to speak.
The buildup was fairly steady; there were no complications in the delivery, which was conveniently timed and effortlessly consummated; it had a soft, almost spongy texture and a subtle piquancy…yet, in its wake: a menacing formation…
…a bear claw.
Not to be confused with the pastry delight of the same name…this was more than some inanimate cluster with a coincidental likeness. I’d first believed this to be the gentle paw of some sort of aquatic bear, reaching out to tickle my clean-shaven ball sack…or then, perhaps lacerate it; as a savage, bloodthirsty beast would; and ostentatiously march it back to the darkened sewers of Horseheads from whence he came.
With irreplaceable (not to mention above average in both size and performance) assets dangling within his reach, I ultimately chose not to trust this unknown dweller of the deep and made a harsh, but instinctual move.
As you can see, he fought with every ounce of his life as I flushed the toilet. The claw marks left in the porcelain only hint at the potential damage that might’ve claimed my strapping (yet, given the circumstances: vulnerable) lady pleasurin’ mega machine. Looking back, however…my genitals, ravishing as they are, should’ve been the least of my worries…for I might not have made it out of that Barnes & Noble bathroom alive. I was lucky.
I don’t have any solutions to this problem, shall it surface again…as I, myself, have many questions left unanswered. My only advice for the next time you’re squirtin’ chunks is to keep one eye between the thighs…because you never know just when you’ll have a close encounter of the turd kind.
“When a girl doesn’t shave and the hair sticks outta both sides of her thong–if you can see the bulge of hair through her jeans, it means she’s horny.”
This morning, residents of Horseheads, New York awoke from a collective nightmare.
Since late May, the small town has been terrorized by a large, unidentified creature, one that has claimed the lives of over a hundred thousand men, women and children…and, in what will forever be remembered as “Horseheads’ 9/11,” caused minor structural damage to the village post office.
Yet, at approximately 1:33 AM Eastern Standard Time, shortly after civil defense sirens cut through the night to warn of another attack (the first since October 8th’s mid-evening rampage that devastated the red light district of Hanover Square)—reports were flooding in that the beast was in captivity. By the time the National Guard arrived, both the menace and its captor were gone.
Eyewitnesses were shaken; unable to identify the man who undoubtedly saved them. “He was a strong man with chiseled abs and a well-oiled chest,” said Linda Bradstaff of East Franklin St. “I wanted to personally thank him, but he was gone before I was able to fully expose my vagina.”
Of the beast, one witness claimed it was an “enormous wolf, the size of full grown horse; with the head of a horse and a horse’s body and horse hooves…almost like some sort of large, horse-shaped wolf.”
The only known photograph (pictured above), taken by area carpet salesman and contemporary ballet instructor, Andrew Marshall, depicts the two in the heat of battle, fully engaged in a violent life-or-death struggle. Though a spectacular raw portrait of selfless, unparalleled heroism…it offers few clues to officials desparate for answers.
“We’d like to know more about the man who saved our town, our families, our friends and neighbors,” said police chief, Barry Stanford. “However, we need to know if he’ll be back to protect us, should this monstrous wolf with horse features ever return…or, god forbid, if there are more of them out there.”
Stanford continued, “I know the whole town would love the opportunity to thank him…I don’t think a parade is out of the question. We’d pull out the retired fire engines, get the high school marching band to do their thing, have some floats made in his honor…and, of course, every man, woman and child would be there proudly exposing their genitals.”
This video is extremely urgent. Watch immediately.
To celebrate the ten year anniversary of A New Low, I’ve whipped up a brand new digital-only extended cut, aptly titled A New Low (Tenth Anniversary Edition), it includes the movie, bonus stuff from the original DVD release, plus never-before-seen deleted material; bumping the overall runtime up to an hour n’ two minutes (from its original 36 minutes)!
A New Low (Tenth Anniversary Edition) is available to download right here for only $1.99!
PS: For the inevitable inquiries or wisecracks about owning a copy of A New Low 2 before its upcoming ten year anniversary: since the decision not to put it out on DVD, we’ve struggled for a very long time to find a proper outlet for it…so, if the digital release of A New Low (Tenth Anniversary Edition) proves desirable, we’ll have a downloadable version of A New Low 2 in your hands by Halloween of this year.
In other words, if you want a copy of A New Low 2, quit shakin’ your fist at me—and start shakin’ your credit card in this direction. Capeesh?