A New Low 2 Skate Preview

The Colonel’s Corner (Episode 2: Hammer)

Filmed almost two years ago and thought to have perished in an unfortunate manure-truck pileup en route to A New Low Studios, The Colonel’s Corner (Episode 2: Hammer) was thought by many to be an irreplaceable treasure that would never grace the retinas of the seven pathetic dipshits that regularly check anewlow.net for new videos.

Coincidentally, the footage has now been placed into the sweaty hands of our filthy rotten “men upstairs” thanks to the unintentional efforts of local manure importer/oats exporter, Emmett Dobson, who found the lost episode in the mouth of one of the goats grazing upon his farmland out on ol’ County Route 6.

“Dang goat had a movie in ‘is mouf!” said Dobson, of his discovery.

The goat declined to comment.

Pre-Gaming with Carlos and Ray Ray

Yetti vs Taem

The warmth of a friend’s vomit brings joy to our hearts, sunlight to our souls, bile to our crotches, and pleasure to all of life.

Be sure to snatch up a Yetti vs Taem sticker and a copy of our AN’L Lies DVD! Awooga!

Yetti vs Taem A NEW LOW shirts are now available as well!

YettiVsTaemShirts

the bear claw

It attacked me from behind, so to speak.

The buildup was fairly steady; there were no complications in the delivery, which was conveniently timed and effortlessly consummated; it had a soft, almost spongy texture and a subtle piquancy…yet, in its wake: a menacing formation…

…a bear claw.

Not to be confused with the pastry delight of the same name…this was more than some inanimate cluster with a coincidental likeness. I’d first believed this to be the gentle paw of some sort of aquatic bear, reaching out to tickle my clean-shaven ball sack…or then, perhaps lacerate it; as a savage, bloodthirsty beast would; and ostentatiously march it back to the darkened sewers of Horseheads from whence he came.

With irreplaceable (not to mention above average in both size and performance) assets dangling within his reach, I ultimately chose not to trust this unknown dweller of the deep and made a harsh, but instinctual move.

As you can see, he fought with every ounce of his life as I flushed the toilet. The claw marks left in the porcelain only hint at the potential damage that might’ve claimed my strapping (yet, given the circumstances: vulnerable) lady pleasurin’ mega machine. Looking back, however…my genitals, ravishing as they are, should’ve been the least of my worries…for I might not have made it out of that Barnes & Noble bathroom alive. I was lucky.

I don’t have any solutions to this problem, shall it surface again…as I, myself, have many questions left unanswered. My only advice for the next time you’re squirtin’ chunks is to keep one eye between the thighs…because you never know just when you’ll have a close encounter of the turd kind.

Study Time

Study Time WP FI

If you were somehow unaware of this, you’ve been living under a hunk a’shit the likes of which only could’ve come from a massimo Lentini. Still, I gotta mention it, because up until now it’s hasn’t been acknowledged on this website…

…the second teaser from A New Low 2 (the first being the acclaimed, and often times banned, Animation Theatre), this time an outtake entitled “Study Time,” is online…and as of my posting this, has garnered just under 20,000 views on YouTube! Hot damn, fuckface!

[CLOSED CAPTIONS] … FOR EVERYONE!

Picture 3 copy

We’ve hired the most technologically advanced company to produce todays most precise closed captions for Lock, Pog and a Few Smoking Barrels. This is the worlds heaviest action packed sequence of betrayal and revenge! So if you felt a little unsure the first time… this time you’ll [DEAF] be satisfied…

(To enable Closed Captions: hit play, click CC at the bottom of the video n’ toggle it to ON.)

The Search is Over

Gorgeous Man Saves Small Town From Rampaging Monster

This morning, residents of Horseheads, New York awoke from a collective nightmare.

Since late May, the small town has been terrorized by a large, unidentified creature, one that has claimed the lives of over a hundred thousand men, women and children…and, in what will forever be remembered as “Horseheads’ 9/11,” caused minor structural damage to the village post office.

Yet, at approximately 1:33 AM Eastern Standard Time, shortly after civil defense sirens cut through the night to warn of another attack (the first since October 8th’s mid-evening rampage that devastated the red light district of Hanover Square)—reports were flooding in that the beast was in captivity. By the time the National Guard arrived, both the menace and its captor were gone.

HorseChalmers2013

Eyewitnesses were shaken; unable to identify the man who undoubtedly saved them. “He was a strong man with chiseled abs and a well-oiled chest,” said Linda Bradstaff of East Franklin St. “I wanted to personally thank him, but he was gone before I was able to fully expose my vagina.”

Of the beast, one witness claimed it was an “enormous wolf, the size of full grown horse; with the head of a horse and a horse’s body and horse hooves…almost like some sort of large, horse-shaped wolf.”

The only known photograph (pictured above), taken by area carpet salesman and contemporary ballet instructor, Andrew Marshall, depicts the two in the heat of battle, fully engaged in a violent life-or-death struggle. Though a spectacular raw portrait of selfless, unparalleled heroism…it offers few clues to officials desparate for answers.

“We’d like to know more about the man who saved our town, our families, our friends and neighbors,” said police chief, Barry Stanford. “However, we need to know if he’ll be back to protect us, should this monstrous wolf with horse features ever return…or, god forbid, if there are more of them out there.”

Stanford continued, “I know the whole town would love the opportunity to thank him…I don’t think a parade is out of the question. We’d pull out the retired fire engines, get the high school marching band to do their thing, have some floats made in his honor…and, of course, every man, woman and child would be there proudly exposing their genitals.”