“Pirate vs Wolfman on Planet X” radio podcast is back!

January 19, 2010

Thanks to advancements in NASA technologies, a distant radio signal from Star System KBX-489’s most coveted podcast has again been discovered and decrypted by scientists into a frequency detectable by human ears!

Each episode can be streamed or downloaded below. Look for the entire series (and perhaps a new episode or two) back on iTunes in the near future.


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #1
Recorded on January 21, 2007.

ETC, Seth McPizza and Rob Lavarnway discuss atomic and molecular physics whilst enjoying some early pre-war ragtime blues.

Download Episode #1 (right click, save) or stream it: 


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #2
Recorded on January 24, 2007.

London McGrane and Taem Jones join ETC and Seth McPizza in a heated debate over the the growing risks of nuclear terrorism, then lighten the mood with some Dixieland jazz.

Download Episode #2 (right click, save) or stream it:


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #3 [Valentine's Day]
Recorded on February 5, 2007.

Eric Thomas probes deep into the paradoxes of religious belief, infuriating Christian fundamentalist, Taem Jones. As always, The Shamrockers, Rob Lavarnway and Seth McPizza, balance the tension with the joyous sounds of their dueling ukeleles.

Download Episode #3 (right click, save) or stream it:


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #4 [Deth to Seth]
Recorded on February 12, 2007.

American astronomer, John Holden, defends Pluto as the Solar System’s ninth planet, while Eric Thomas Craven, Taem Jones and Rob Lavarnway (key representatives of the International Astronomical Union) stand by its newly appointed status as a “dwarf planet”. Can they overcome their differences in time to enjoy a live performance by Earth’s famous Harlem Gospel Choir??

Download Episode #4 (right click, save) or stream it:


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #5 [New York City]
Recorded on February 17, 2007.

Taem Jones, Eric Thomas Craven and London McGrane venture deep into the bowels of a midtown Manhattan subway station to research a secret underground society of homeless people. When the three of them become lost in the sunless labyrinth, only the subterranean grooves of a panhandling saxophone player can guide them back to the surface.

Download Episode #5 (right click, save) or stream it:


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #6
Recorded on February 27, 2007.

Shaolin masters, Eric Thomas Craven and Taem Jones, have been taken hostage. When two mild mannered firemen, London McGrane and Rob Lavarnway, cross enemy lines to rescue them, they encounter a 50 foot ogre with a taste for pizza and a boner for books. Moments before the three of them engage in battle, Taem and Eric Thomas jump out from behind a tree and yell “SURPRISE!”…immediately charming their former adversary. Later that day, they went on to form the award winning Scandinavian black metal 5 piece, KANKERSORE.

Download Episode #6 (right click, save) or stream it:


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #7
Recorded on March 3, 2007.

Eric Thomas Craven, Taem Jones, London McGrane, Seth McPizza and Rob Lavarnway take a much needed break from protesting a local abortion clinic and physically assaulting it’s patients–to tour neighboring towns as an all black rhythm and blues trio.

Download Episode #7 (right click, save) or stream it:


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #8 [Charlottesville, VA p.1]
Recorded on March 12, 2007.

When Wil “Liam” Smith is cut from John Johnson’s micro-budget remake of 2004’s Garden State, Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven console him with an acoustic guitar and a few rousing ballads about Zach Braff’s heavenly dimples of venus.

Download Episode #8 (right click, save) or stream it:


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #9 [Charlottesville, VA p.2]
Recorded on March 12, 2007.

In the gripping finale of this epic two-parter, lone Bella Morte keyboardist, Micah Consylman, saves Eric Thomas Craven and Taem Jones from the crippling AIDS cloud that trashy novelist, Shawn Decker, carelessly emits from his rear-end in their direction following a nasty verbal altercation. Facing a life in prison for attempted murder, Shawn breaks into a one-man monk chant to make peace with god.

Download Episode #9 (right click, save) or stream it:


Pirate vs Wolfman Episode #10
Recorded on June 5, 2007.

This week an array of special guests join Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven via satellite, as the debate heats up over Cardinal McPizza downplaying Vatican direction on communion. Robert Lavarnway, a pro-abortion politician, who was refused communion after failure to alter his stance on the issue, also guests on the show in his first interview since the incident. Celestial harp accompaniment provided by classical Ukrainian quintet, WHORE’S BLOOD.

Download Episode #10 (right click, save) or stream it:


Merry Christmas! (‘09)

December 24, 2009


Self-Defense Tips From a Carnie

November 24, 2009

Patrick Swayze will live on in the hearts of millions of moviegoers as ghastly New York City night demon, Sam Wheat…and, of course, no one is likely to forget John “fidgety hips” Castle any time soon. However, with Swayze’s recent passing comes the inevitability of his secondary roles fading slowly into obscurity…and with this, we’re faced with the very real possibility of future generations growing up without the guidance of his most important film credit, James Dalton.

Dalton deficiency in a boy’s development will spark the devolution of man.

Without Road House, you lose the immortal words “pain don’t hurt”…and without this declaration, humanity loses it’s strength. Our species will become frail and weak. We will eventually be conquered by creatures inferior by today’s standards. A century from now it’s a distinct possibility our surviving civilization will succumb to a herd of guinea pigs.

The question begging to be answered is: Who’s going to put the “MAN” back in the future of “mankind”?

Along comes Scotty. He’s coolheaded and evenhanded, but he means business. His experience transcends taking out the trash at a seedy roadside bar…he does his dirty work on the savage fairgrounds. No man’s land. On top of that, he too has a degree in philosophy, only his was printed out on carnival tickets and inked with the blood of all those who’ve dared cut in line at the merry-go-round.

In Scotty, we have not only the successor to James Dalton, but perhaps…

…the savior of the human race.


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Sex Advice From a Carnie

November 11, 2009

Scotty is a rogue, a libertine…a carnie. He is so famous for his many illicit love affairs and perpetual womanizing that his name is synonymous with the art of seduction. For Scotty, the fairgrounds are an open field of sexual opportunities…for the rest of us, his incontrovertible sex advice is an opportunity for self improvement.


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Carnie Tales (vol. 1)

November 5, 2009
Scotty1Scotty works the carnival circuit. Been on the road over twenty years. During the offseason, he spends his days and hard earned poker chips at the mall. He drifts from store to store, halting only to share pearls of his wisdom…scholarly knowledge from thy hallowed fairgrounds. His narratives cover a vast array of subjects—anything from the open road, to the many women and Mexicans he’s met along the way.

However, in this particular installment of Carnie Tales, we’ll touch base on just that…

…the road:

“I ride with my boss. I have to keep him awake…so he can drive. I don’t. I fall asleep. His wife bitches at me all the time. I’d like to have her. She’s hot. I’d like to have his daughter better.”

…women:

“I went with a girl once. For seven years. She went down to Virginia, got pregnant by another man. I broke up with her. He came up here, said “I want to meet ya.” I met him…right on the ground. That’s stupid. Cheated on my woman. I graduated with her. I met her in sixth grade. I went with her eight years. She went down to Florida…Virginia. Come back pregnant by another man. That was the end of it.”

…more women:

“I went to a whore bar one time…I’ll be a son of a bitch…she grabs my cock, takes me in the other room…and strokes it.”

…and Mexicans:

“I had this one Mexican, ten years ago…runnin’ the merry-go-round. Every time he’d go underneath it…he liked to jack off in front of ‘em. You can’t do that when people are on it…because the pedal is outside where the front gate is.”

Become friends with Scotty on Facebook. You have much to learn from him.
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Taking Pity on the Second City: Our Trip to Chicago

October 29, 2009

Whipple_StScreeching Weasel and Alkaline Trio, my two all-time favorite midwestern bands, sharing a stage on their home turf of Chicago, Illinois…and it happens to fall on Tony Shaddock’s birthday. Clearly, this event was constructed from the ground up with us in mind. After ordering five tickets, only three of which were claimed, Tony, Yetti and I set off on an epic pilgrimage, one that would reunite us with old pal, Doug “L’il Fart” McLaren…and change the course of history forever.

The astonishing photography and masterfullly composed captions and anecdotes herein chronicle our expedition.

Now let’s enjoy the Miami of Canada—Chicago!

October 10th
10:23 am

On a spiritual journey to the Windy City with Yetti & Tony Shaddock.

10:58 am
Three guys in a car…and I’m breathin’ on Easy Street? Someone needs to spark up this roadtrip with a wet hot fart.

11:18 am
“You boys ain’t from around here…you have no business o’er at Joncy gorge. Take yer city haircuts n’ go on, git!”
Joncy_Gorge

1:18 pm
Sleeping like a baby…particularly one of the dead babies in that sack he’s resting his head on.
Sack_of_Dead_Babies

5:46 pm
Who goes over my travel route before every roadtrip & makes sure to redirect me on a Dunkin Donutsless path? Whoever you are, go get raped.

8:23 pm
We crossed time zones unscathed. Hey, 7 o’clock, we have a second chance together…try not to fuck it up this time.

9:39 pm
Chicago arrival. First on the agenda? SUH FUCKEN REAL DEEP DISH CHICAGUH PIZZUH.

11:21 pm
Sippin’ on a 312 Urban Wheat Ale at some Korean dive bar. L’il Fart ordered a “hot sucky” and all he got was some lousy drink in a ceramic flask. If Asian fellatio is this hard to come by (pun intended, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!) in the Big Onion, I’m not impressed. On the bright side—according to this coaster, my Survival Kit is almost half completed…
Bar_Coaster
Two down, three to go. Baby just needs a new pair of shoes, a designer purse…and flashin’ my juicy tits for some fancy beads should be easy enough in this toddlin’ town. Bring on the night!

October 11th
Happy birthday, baby Shaddock.
Baby_Shaddock

1:51 am
My heart’s telling me this is a Rum n’ Coke in my hand, but my brain’s telling me it’s Roofies n’ NyQuil. I need to flee this crowded bar and get some shut-eye. I know the risk of walking these streets at night with only two-fifths of my Survival Kit…but I simply cannot go on. No rest for the wicked. Mr. McLaren, gimme a firm floor to sleep on.

12:02 pm
Good morning, city cats.
City_Cats

12:28 pm
Not even birthday songs or burger crowns will wake this tiny dancer.
Tiny_Dancer

2:10 pm
May I wax philosophical for a moment?

When you’re soaking your meat bone shaft-deep in some poon tang, you’re in a quaint village of physical pleasure the guys and I like to call “Tangtown.”

Likewise, if you and a buddy are forming a “wobbly H” with a gal, you know, having a little ménage à trois, or, in laymen’s terms, tag-teaming the ol’ broad…I’ve just determined that must be a suburb of Tangtown called “Tagtown.”

Now, it all sounds well and fine…however, after pondering this for a while over my morning coffee, I’ve uncovered a paradox.

If “Tagtown” is basically “Tangtown” with an additional person…you gain a friend, yet lose the “n”…

Is it really worth it?

7:24 pm
After standing out in the cold for roughly an hour, desperately asking every passerby: “tickets?” or, when I was feeling articulate: “do you need tickets?”—I finally sold my extra. I lost $10 on it and missed who-knows how many bands while I was out here. Fuck you, Horseheads bums, for not taking it off my hands. “Whoa, ETC…chillax, bro. You know how much I hate awesomeness. Hey, when you get back, can you help me build a shelter incase the Soviets attack the U.S. with rainbow-colored FUN Bombs?”

8:00 pm
A secret Teenage Bottlerocket gig after the show tonight? Free entry? Busing provided? Don’t mind if I do.

8:16 pm
Dude shitting in stall with no door. Tons of dudes walking by. Pants off. T.p. rolled away from him at one point.
Shit_Guy

8:45 pm
I have waited 14 years for this moment. I’m watching Screeching Weasel. In Chicago. I rule.
Screeching_Weasel_setlist_101109

10:22 pm
Now I’m watching Alkaline Trio. In Chicago. I’m back to rule again.

No idea what time it is.
I’m actually writing this portion in retrospect, because the battery in my phone died shortly after Alkaline Trio finished their set. This is a blessing in disguise, of course, because at this level of intoxication, I’m liable to drop, throw or trade my iPhone for a cigarette.

Waiting for a shuttle bus to take us across town to the secret Teenage Bottlerocket show.
bus__stop

Speaking of which…if you’re in the Chicago school district and awesome enough to sit in the back of the bus with people of premium-grade superiority…and the seat in front of you has “www.anewlow.net for free pussy” written on it; wreathed with monstrous, cum spurting penises both uncircumcised and snipped (we covered all bases)…know your little pockmarked butt cheeks are sharing a seat once warmed by the chiseled asses of your heroes, Tony Shaddock and Eric Thomas Craven.
back_of_the_bus

Teenage Bottlerocket were pretty rad…
Teenage_Bottlerocket

…though, I’ve got to be honest, I want less of this sappy lovey dovey crap and more songs about aliens, zombies and spies. Bring back The Lillingtons.

October 12th (Columbus Day)
Happy Rape, Pillage, Murder and Enslave the Indians day! Fuck you, Chris Columbus.

10:24 am
Interesting postscript to dude shitting in stall with no door:
Shit_Guy2

1:26 pm
The “Zombie”:
Zombie
That’s three shots of espresso, two cups of coffee, steamed milk and whipped cream topped with chocolate and caramel drizzle…I’ll be walkin’ outta here with Shaddock teeth.
ShaddockTeeth

5:27 pm
I got some pussy in Chicago.
Pussy

5:40 pm
Sightseeing in Logan Square.
sightseeing

6:11 pm
The Sears Tower. Chicago, Illinois.
Sears_Tower

6:20 pm
Goodbye, Chicago.
Homeless

7:06 pm
Family reunion in Rolling Prairie, Indiana.‎
Family-Reunion

7:16 pm
Crossed back into good ol’ Eastern Standard Time. 6pm October 12, 2009, it’s a shame we never got to know eachother…

October 13th

2:55 am
Back in New York. Made the 911 call on this l’il number—car in a ditch off the interstate. We were really hoping to see a dead body…but she was fine.
911_call

3:40 am
Yetti got caught pissin’ in public. Amateur. Then allowed them to search his car? Amateur. I’m just glad they didn’t look under my seat. That’s right, I’m bad. Real bad. Michael Jackson.
Cops

5:28 am
Alright, gang, you can rest easy now…we’ve landed back in Horseheads, safe n’ sound.

CubsHowever, before I go and wrap this up, I’d like to address a pretty big concern of mine…

While in Chicago, we hopped a train downtown and went to Millenium Park…only to be told by the officer on duty that the park closes at night.

Rape is already a pretty challenging sport…we don’t need the level of difficulty raised. Are we honestly expected to abduct some broad OUTSIDE the park, sneak her in past security and just use the park grounds for some sort of exotic effect? Parks are good for prowling. The rape itself isn’t performed within the perimeters of a park for atmosphere, but for the convenience of supplying victim(s), isolation, and, in the event that you take things too far, providing a satisfactory plot for interment.

Way to take the fun out of nightlife in the big city, Chicago.

Furthermore, I’ve done some research…and apparently Chicago doesn’t report its statistics for rape. Check out this city crime comparison from 2006.

I’ll tell you why Chicago’s rape statistics aren’t available: NO ONE GETS RAPED IN CHICAGO.

What kind of city has the rape record of a happy suburban cul-de-sac out of the 1950’s with a “neighborhood watch” program ? Not a very good one, I’ll tell you that right now.

Hey Chicago, go get raped.


Conspiracy Theory…

September 23, 2009

I have just uncovered some startling new evidence in the baffling mystery of Sir Elton John’s true origins.

This side-by-side comparison of Elton John and Jack Osbourne proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Elton John is the son of heavy metal legend, Ozzy Osbourne.

EltonOsbourne

Unfortunately, this discovery unearths more questions than answers…

Is the relation between Elton and Ozzy a joint coverup by Sony Music Entertainment and Warner Music Group to preserve the integrity of Black Sabbath? Are Elton John and Jack Osbourne the same person, or just hideous twins? If they are, in fact, the same person, is Elton’s “Jack wig” composed strictly of pubic hair, or just mostly? Whose pubes are they? Was the wig made by ventilating the pubic hair, or did he go with the “vintage” weft method? Is it also possible that he combined the two techniques, using a weft for the main part of the wig and then ventilating pubic hair at the edges and partings to give it a fine finish?

Only one thing is certain at this point…Elton John is a dangerous man and he must be executed.

If you encounter this imposter, remember, he received a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II…and an honorable death for a knight is a swift beheading.

- a word of thanks…


six-word Starbucks reviews (vol. 2)

September 19, 2009

Green Tea Frappuccino
High calorie, grass flavored icy sludge.

White Chocolate Mocha
High fructose paste in a cup.

Iced Mocha
Lightly sweetened anal discharge, over ice.

Coffee Frappuccino
Coffee “flavor” blended with synthetic byproducts.

Caffè Americano
Snobby way to ask for coffee.

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URGENT POLL!

September 4, 2009

After closing this poll and going over the results, I’ve learned a lot about our web-surfer demographic…particularly, that the vast majority of you are perverted and hate your father.

Thanks for voting, be on the lookout for additional important polls in the near future.


Wainy Days: Rochelle (Parts 1 & 2)

June 20, 2009

Watch me steal the spotlight from David Wain in Wainy Days episodes 30 & 31. I do it all–I sit, I clap, I stand, I stare! Check out more episodes at www.wainydays.com